Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
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running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.