If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
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somebody come look at this
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
#Caturday
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.