Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
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Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Interior design 👌
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…