Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
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I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
A game married people play.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.