I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
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*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.