[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
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I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.