Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
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The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
japanese corn
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.