Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
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“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I falcon love using swear birds
awesome draft from months ago i just found
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.