The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
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My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
A man of commitment.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Living the best life.. 😊
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo