landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
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If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group