Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
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Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?