By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
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Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand