Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
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Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
The hardest thing Vision has to do
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.