I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
You Might Also Like
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.