Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
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[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Before & after 😅
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I have so many questions.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?