My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
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If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.