[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
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A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I’m giving up for Lent.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”