If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
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Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Planet of the Apps.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.