“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
You Might Also Like
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.