not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
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Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account