Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
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Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.