Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
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My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
THIS HEADLINE
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary