Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
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[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.