The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
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I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.