Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
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WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight