be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
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I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
me opening up to someone
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name