Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
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Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I was bored.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra