It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
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waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.