When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
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Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then