The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
You Might Also Like
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
That’s incredible! 👌
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.