dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
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Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
The honesty is refreshing
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge