Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
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For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.