BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
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i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?