Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
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If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.