I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
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The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
🙁
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Sharon, call the vet
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.