I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
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gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.