Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
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The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Any refunds available?…
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
🤣🤣
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows