[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
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There are no pants in heaven.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all