The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
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Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
lmao