I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
You Might Also Like
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Twitter fine art
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking