Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
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Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.