*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
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1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Always
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!