me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
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“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
And bowling should be called pinball
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
My spirit animal is fried chicken
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.