Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
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Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm