How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
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My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.