Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
You Might Also Like
I’m sure it’s fine.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Breaking news:
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.