this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
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When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.