me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
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Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night