Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
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In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
what are they serving at kfc then???
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!