I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
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her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”